The Beauty Contest

The phone call came late in the evening.  I’m never one to answer the phone for anyone so my wife took the call.  It  was our niece.  She lives on the other side of the state from us.  She was entering a beauty contest. 

Now what most people don’t know is that my wife was at one time a beauty queen in 1980 as well as her sister in 1983.   (That’s right, Uncle Ralph married a beauty queen!) 

In western Michigan, where my wife and I grew up, beauty pageants are a big deal.  All the area towns have their own pageant and then they have a pageant where all the girls compete for the title of “Miss Blossom Time”.   Then they get to ride floats in parades and meet the mayor of their town and even some celebrities.   All great fun.

Now my niece was carrying on the family tradition and competing.  My wife stretches the phone cord in and ask if I was interested in buying tickets to go see the contest.  My response was as controlled as a man could muster.  Lets see,  I get to go somewhere where 17 year old beautiful chicks in wonderful fancy gowns and costumes will dance and strut….  And my wife WANTS me to go!!!

“Sure Babe, but only since our niece is in it.”

Bangor Michigan, home of the Apple festival.  This is a neat little town.  My wife grew up there and most of her family is still there.  They even got a McDonalds now.  Big stuff and big time.  The contest was held in the High School auditorium.  The High School ain’t hard to find, just take any side street south, when you hit a farm, you’ve gone two blocks too far.

We took my nephew Brad with us.  I drop him and my wife at the front door and then parked the Camaro.  As I walked in, there was an unofficial greeter.  This woman was 300 pounds if she was an ounce.  Wearing a halter top and a floor length skirt pulled up just enough to leave a gap for the rolls to hang out between them.  I knew then, I was among my people. 

We found our seats in the auditorium.  The place was packed.  We had to cross over a handful of women in order to get to our seats.   One of the people I slid across asked me if she knew me.  “Well maybe.”  I told her.  “Have you ever been in prison?’   She changed seats. 

Now a special note to the people of Bangor:  Get Bigger Seats!  When I have problems sliding into a seat, the seats are TOO small.  I ain’t that big!

The contest had a few bits of entertainment thrown in.   A couple of groups of little kids from a local dance studio did numbers for us.  You could hear all the chicks in the auditorium saying “Ohhhh,  They are so cute!”  It was true.  They were cute.  It still didn’t inspire me to reproduce.   They even had a couple of women doing a tap dance number to Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.   That almost inspired me to reproduce.

They introduced the judges for the contest at the beginning of the contest.  The only one I can remember was the current Mrs. Michigan from Detroit.  Now I want to be a judge.   What a knockout.

The contest was great.  I had forgotten how much I actually enjoyed them.   I haven’t attended any in almost 20 years.  That’s when my wife’s sister was crowned queen.   I really couldn’t be a judge because all these chicks were wonderful.  Small towns can produce some great stuff.  Throughout the contest, I would elbow Brad and say “There’s one for you.”   He finally said “Uncle Ralph, what have you got against my current girlfriend.”  Brad’s a one chick man. 

Towards the middle of the contest, they called all current and past queens to the stage.  My wife and her sister when up.  There were a bunch of little kids that won Miss (something or other, I don’t remember) and Mr. (something else I don’t remember) and a bunch of Beauty Queens from some of the surrounding cities.  They even had a Mr. Bangor.   I’ve no idea what you have to be to be a Mr. Bangor but they had one.  They had everyone on stage introduce themselves.   Some of the visiting queens introduced themselves by saying who they were and what city they represented and that they brought “my 1^st and 2^nd runners up from my court.”  My wife and her sister where the last ones to be introduced.  My wife tells who she is and what year she was Miss Bangor and says “And I brought with me my husband of 21 years.”  ( I really thought she was gonna make me stand up and take a bow in the audience. )  Her sister, not to be outdone says, “and I brought my sister.” 

I may never be able to be a judge but I have to say, though, I picked the overall winner.  A cute little thing in a gorgeous red gown.  I can still pick ‘em.  My niece took 2^nd Runner Up and Miss Congeniality.  Good looks run deep in my wife’s family.  Now for the rest of the year she gets to ride on floats and do that “Queen Wave” they all do so well.  They must practice that a lot because the queen from last year had it down perfectly as she waved off the stage. 

It’s different over on the east side of Michigan.   On the west side they celebrate their women.  Over here they don’t do that.  I’ve no idea what the problem is, I’ve seen lots of pretty chicks over here.  Just seems like no one seems to care for that type of thing here.

Personally, I think it’s a cool thing.  I got to see an old friend of mine whose daughter was last years’ Miss Congeniality.  He was one proud Papa.  I would have been too.   I know my nieces’ family is extremely proud.  And they have every right to be. 

If it were possible for me to move my trailer over to Bangor, I’d do it in a heartbeat.  That is one great trailer park.  They produce some wonderful women.  And I should know, I married one.

Uncle Ralph

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