Gravel Gertie advises about arctic atmospheric conditions!

Dear Gertie,

Why do Southerners feel the need to buy all the milk and bread whenever we're going to have an ice storm? After all, won't the milk go bad if the power goes out in the fridge?

Scratching My Head in SC

PS My husband thinks the mental association comes from passing convenience store signs that read "milk ice bread."

Dear Scratching, Northern folks behave the same way, I've heard. They just don't freak out when the weatherman predicts a "dusting" of snow. Your husband had an astute observation, and I often wondered if those convenience stores used mind control with their subliminal advertising to cause this strangeness.

I remember when Momma would buy four gallons or so of milk (whenever it snowed), we would just put the cartons outside in the snow when the power went out. If the raccoons or dogs didn't get to them, we'd have milk. Now mind you, the only thing we used milk for was to make snow cream.

Dear Gertie,

We're going to be traveling a lot this winter, any advice?

Sam

Dear Sam, if you're traveling around here in the South, the only advice I can give you is to wear clean underwear, don't drink and drive, wear your seatbelt, and don't drive to the grocery store when you hear there's a chance of ice or snow.

If you're traveling around up North, make sure your car has a full tank and a good battery, and check all the systems before setting off on your adventure. Take along a first aid kit, instant heat packs, flares, candles, and a bag of sand or cat litter for holding candles and traction. In case of an emergency, you should have blankets, extra clothing, candy, and toilet paper. A cell phone with phone numbers for road assistance, local dining, and beauty parlors are also helpful. If the kids are along for the ride, a portable television with non-stop cartoons is a must.

Dear Gertie,

In meteorological lingo, a "flurry" happens when a cold air mass (colder than a well digger's butt - see below) covers an area at the same time it's supposed to rain. In Southern states, a "flurry" also means to drive as quickly as you can to the grocery store and buy up all the milk, bread, beer, and toilet paper that you can carry. As far as the salt goes, save it for your popcorn and margaritas.

As far as the exact temperature, I'd say that it's probably colder than a witch's bitsy in a brass brassiere in January.

Dear Graival Gurdy,

Our weatherman said that it was going to snow tamarra. Will I have scool tamarra?

Danny in Dallas

Hi Danny! Yes, there will be school tomorrow, go to bed.

Dear Gravel Gertie,

What is Jack Wax? It sounds quite … disgusting.

Donna

Hi Donna! Oh honey, you're so wrong! Jack Wax is boiled pure maple syrup drizzled over fresh snow. To make Jack Wax, pour a couple of cups of REAL maple syrup (not that Aunt Jemima stuff) into a heavy pot and heat to medium/high heat, while you stir constantly. Scoop up a spoonful of liquid and pour it back into the pot. When a thin string forms, the syrup is ready. Slowly drizzle the hot syrup over the snow and it will immediately harden into yummy pieces of maple candy.

Dear Gertie,

I got up this morning and looked outside and there was a lot of snow. I have a shared driveway and I am sick and tired of doing my neighbor's driveway so much. He used to help 50/50 but now it seems more 90/10. (The 90 is me...) What can I do to get him to see the light at the end of the snow shovel?

Larry Graves

Poor Larry, livin' up North sure can be a hassle some times. Before you go off and do something awful like whacking your neighbor up side the head with your snow shovel, I'd like to offer you some ideas …

• Shovel the entire driveway, then leave a bill for your services on his door.
• After you shove the entire driveway, then have a heart attack. Moan loudly. If your neighbor doesn't notice, crawl toward his house as you clutch your chest, gasp for breath, and scream, "His driveway! Ack! Oh Lord, the pain!"
• Give you sons Handwriting in the Snow lessons over in your neighbors yard (in front of their bay window would be best).
• Send your kids over to his yard to build war snowmen. Use ketchup to embellish those decapitated heads and missing limbs. Ashes from your fireplace make wonderful charred holes, and strategically placed lime gelatin makes wonderful gangrene!
• Walk over and ask to borrow his snow shovel. Before he gives it to you, point to his side of the driveway and say, "There! You missed a spot!"
• Have your wife, Momma, kids, nieces, and nephews picket his house with signs that read, "Snow Oppressed," and "Some Neighbor!" while they chant, "Don't cause trouble! Use your shovel!"

Hopefully, your neighbor will soon get the hint.

Dear Gert,

Is there any way I can train my dog to shovel snow?
Melvin D.

Dear Melvin, dogs are smart animals, well, except for that drinking out of the toilet thing, and I reckon they could be taught to do just about anything. You could bury bones, bacon, your wife's shoes, and other yummies in the snow and get Rover to dig them out. Or you could strap some sort of metal thing on his back and as he chases the mailman, he could pull trenches in the snow. You then could sow salt in these trenches and eventually melt the snow. Or you could live next to Larry Graves and he would shovel your driveway for free.

Hi Gert,

What is snow cream? How do you make it?

Terry in Lincoln

Hey Terry, snow cream is a delicacy that is well known here in the South. The way my Momma used to make it was take 1 cup of milk, 1 slightly beaten egg, 1/2 cup sugar, dash of salt, 1 teaspoon vanilla and blend well. Add fresh clean snow (none of that yellow stuff) until the liquid is absorbed. When I make snow cream for my younguns, I leave out the egg. I don't like feeding my littluns raw egg. Snow cream is best eaten fresh - leftovers taste yucky.

Also, if you live in a place where pollution is a problem, I suggest that you just buy some ice cream.

Dear Gert,

When my gutters get all iced up, and then the snow on the roof starts to melt, the water and has no place to go--except through the ceiling, and through the walls! I've moved all my furniture out of that particular corner of the living room and I am sitting with bated breath waiting for the maintenance crew of the apartment complex to do something about it. Sigh. Thank you for giving me a chance to vent!
Teri

Dear Teri, why, you're welcome, honey! My Granny used to have to put pots and buckets all over her living room and bedroom when a good rain would come. Back then, it was OK, but nowadays it ain't the "en vogue" thing, huh?

Since you live in an apartment and must rely on the maintenance crew to fix you up, try these tricks:

• Collect the water and use it instead of tap water. This'll save on your water bill.
• Collect the water and use it to terrorize the maintenance workers if/when they show up. For example, the dripping Chinese Water Torture trick is a gas, or using the plain ol' dumping water on them.
• Have a contest with your kids to see who can collect the most water and put it in the bathtub. The winner gets a bath.
• Collect the water and put it in bottles. Label them "Freshly Melted Snow" and sell them to those organic food eatin' folks.

Dear Gravel Gertie,
Around here, when it's really cold they say it's colder than owl sh*t. What, exactly, does that mean? And, since I live in Florida, and it doesn't get very cold, except this year, is owl poop not really all that cold?

Florida Feller

Dear Florida Feller, I think you have your sayings messed up. You say, "That stretch of road is slicker than Owl Sh*t on a doorknob," when the road gets all iced over and stuff. I reckon this saying came from when someone was trying to get into the barn and the handle or doorknob was covered in owl dung. Apparently the person trying to enter the building couldn't get the door opened due to the slick-ness of the owl poop. Now as far as how slick owl fecal matter is, I'd venture to say that it's slicker than snot.