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The "Dear Abby" For Trailer Trash A bit of humor for the way we live. |
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Woman Has Mice - Shoots Self
Dear Paul,
Well, yeah. It's kinda true.
She didn't shoot herself because she hated mice. She shot her self because she was an idiot.
Here's the story, embellished for content:
A Potter Valley CA woman, we'll call her "Woman", saw a mouse running across her trailer living room floor. So she decides she's gonna get the little sucka, pulls a .44 magnum (you know, the Dirty Harry guy) from the belt of her sundress, raises it up with two hands, steadily so as not to drop the inch long ash of the cigarette hanging from her lips, with one eye squinted closed and the other taking aim over the sights of the gun, squeezed off three shots.
The first shot missed by 8 inches but close enough to send the little critter scurrying across the floor for cover. The hole in the floor went nice and clean all the way through to the ground below.
The second shot, taken while the mouse was running, missed by even a better margin, left a hole through the thread worn sofa, through the floor leaving a fairly large hole.
The third shot hit a leg of a coffee table, through the floor, hit a water pipe causing water to gush through the hole, hit one of the supporting cinder blocks holding the trailer up resulting in the trailer suddenly dropping toward that corner.
The sudden tilt of the trailer caused Woman to drop the heavy gun so she could catch herself. When the gun hit the floor it went off a fourth time. But this time the bullet went through her kneecap, hit the keychain hanging from Woman's boyfriend's (we'll call him "Dude" belt loop, grazed a part of Dude that should never be grazed by a bullet and then exited his change pocket. The bullet then continued on to put a hole in a brand new pony keg of PBR.
Neighbors heard the gun shots and four of them rushed over with their own guns to join the party.
When the cops finally arrived, all six individuals were taking turns trying to guzzle the gush of PBR from the keg so "It wouldn't be wasted".
You can read the Fox News version of the event by clicking here.
Reports suggest the mouse lived to drink his share of the spilt PBR.
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Ok To Go Nuts Over Non-Midget Women?
Dear Uncle Ralph,
Is it o.k. to go nuts over a woman even if she isn't a midget? Or how about making her go nuts over me?
Short Willy
Dear Short Willy,
Ah yes. I think you are of course referring to last weeks article on how to make women go nuts over you.
You're actually the third guy this week to write me with a similar question.
The answer is, yes. Now bear in mind, this "trick" comes from Spain. I'm sure they have their share of midgets around, but the Spanish manly tradition of "Butterfly Ears" didn't originally involve midgets. It just sort of evolved that way when men in the US learned how to do it.
So, Short Willy, it's ok to make a chick go nuts over you even
if she ain't a midget. And it's even ok to go nuts over a woman even if
she ain't a midget.
P.S. Those of you sending me pictures of your version of Butterfly Wings, you can stop now. I've got enough. (Except for Twitter. Your woman is hot! You can send more) Besides, me and the missus are doing just fine.
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Double Second Cousin On Mama's Side
Uncle Ralph,
You may be the one person to answer this question for me...I hope.
My mother has a "double first cousin" I was wondering what relation I would be to their children?
If my research is correct, she would be their "double second cousin" which is the same as "first cousins" and I would be "double third cousins" which would be the same as "second cousins" right???
I know this is probably a real brain puzzler, but I was just wondering what the "politically correct" terminology would be for our genetic relationship. After all I AM from Alabama, not that really has any bearing, but people always make fun of us "rednecks". Dear Abby actually published a list of all the states it was legal to marry your first cousin, and there were more northern states than southern states this was legal in. I'm not wanting to marry, date or anything like that, just wondering what the relationship was actually termed.
Thanks for your help in advance...Your mothers ,brothers, sons ,cousin, on your daddy's side of the family...lol Bill
Dear Bill,
I'm pretty sure that if your mother has a double cousin you'd just be a second cousin. That is unless your Mothers Aunt and Uncle were actually also brother and sister. Then you just might be another dude from Alabama. I know, I know. It sucks to be average.
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