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The "Dear Abby" For Trailer Trash A bit of humor for the way we live. |
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The Secret To Staying Married
Dear Uncle Ralph,
I know you been married to the same woman for a real long time. I wanna stay married to my old lady too. What's your secret?
Just Married in Tennessee
Dear Just Married,
Congratulations!
Yep. I'll be married 28 years to my first wife (A Former Miss Bangor Michigan Beauty Queen) come this April. That's a long time. But I'd have to say it's been pretty easy. I've got it good. My woman takes care of me. Because, after all, she's got me! How lucky can any woman be!
But my secret? Well, my daddy, (yes, I knew my daddy) once told me: "Boy, you just gotta do it. No matter how much it hurts."
Good advice I'd say. But I've since heard better.
I met a young widow some time ago. She was telling me just how good her marriage was before her husband died. So I asked the natural question: "What was your secret to a happy marriage?"
She thought for a moment then said, "Communication and Lubrication."
Now that was really good advice! But I'd add a bit to it. I'd say "Libation, Communication and Lubrication." Well, because I like Buckhorn.
[P.S. For those of you back in Bangor Michigan, "Libation" means "Beer", "Communication" means you gotta talk and "Lubrication" means... well, you'll figure that out someday.]
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How to Seduce Women
Dear Uncle Ralph,
Why do I need a napkin and peanuts to seduce women in a bar?
Zach
Dear Zach,
Ohma Gawd! I almost regret ever saying anything about it. What you're talking about is an article back from June 22, 2008 on "Butterfly Ears" or "How To Seduce Women". Ever since I posted that, I've gotten at least one letter a day with something on the order of:
Jeeze! Go back and re-read the article. I put enough clues in there. Just think about it for a bit. I know the what I wrote was enough because I've gotten at least 30 letters for guys telling me how much fun they had. One dude even wrote to say he's dating 3 different chicks and THEY ALL KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER!
Look, if you go back and re-read the article, and you still can't figure it out, give up. You're gay.
[P.S. I did break down and tell a dude what exactly to do. Met this guy down at my favorite bar and paid 7 beers to get it out of me. I kid you not, before an hour passed, this kid was drinking with 4 women he never met before and left with a blonde. It works. Now he bribed me with Buckhorn. What are you gonna bribe me with?]
[P.S.S. I ain't never gonna print the last couple of steps to "Butterfly Ears". Too many men count on women not actually realizing they're being seduced.]
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My Boyfriend Has A Big Butt Dear Uncle Ralph,
My boyfriend has a really huge butt. No kidding. He's a guy but he has like the biggest butt in town. I just think he needs to go on a diet. Crap, he's almost 300 pounds. That's even more than I weigh.
He thinks it's ok to fart in McDonald's. Yesterday we we're eating a burger and he just sits up a pushes one out! It was so loud it echoed. Kids in the play area all stopped and then laughed and the old couple 3 tables down got up and left. He actually stood up and took a bow. A group of teenagers actually clapped for him and whistled.
He's pretty proud because he says he's got so much extra meat back there he can really slap his cheeks together when he farts. No kidding! He's proud!
I yelled at him after we got home and told him he shouldn't be farting in no McDonalds.
My question is this, When we get married next month, he says he's gonna fart during our wedding vows. I'd be mortified if he actually crapped himself when he does. (He's done that too.) Should I make him wear like depends or something just in case?
Windy
Dear Windy,
Ah, yeah. If you're gonna push one out when you get married you should at least bring clean underwear.
Oh, and please, don't use candles.
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