Uncle Ralph Dating Service, Starting A Conversation With Chicks, Finding Cheap Underwear

Uncle Ralph Dating Service

Hey Uncle Ralph

Why not start a trailer trash dating service online? You'd be famous, even more than you already are. It'd bring people from trailer parks around the world together.

Gopher

Dear Gopher,

Uh, no. I tried that once and everybody thought they'd get a date with me. My beautiful Former Miss Bangor Michigan(1980) wife of almost 28 years nearly kicked by butt. It wasn't that all these chicks (and 3 dudes) wanted me, my lovely bride understands that most women want me, she just didn't like me putting all those pictures all over my wall.

So that experiment was a bust and almost a butt whipping. I've decided to leaving the dating services to professionals. Like on the ad you'll see below.

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I like this chick and I want to start a conversation with her because I don't know her very well, but because I'm in High school she's never alone. How do I get her friends to piss off?

You need to be friends with her friends. If you "get her friends to piss off" then chances are you'll just piss your chick off.

Worry less about a conversation and just start with a smile and "hello". Especially be sure to do the same for her friends. I think you'll be surprised at how well that works.

I went to GoodWill to buy some good underwear. Problem is that they are a little too far out of my price range. They wouldn’t even accept food stamps for a good pair. What’s the next best brand I can buy? I really prefer the GoodWill brand but I’m willing to settle for something of a little less quality just so that I can have some “draws” and stop getting skid marks on my jeans. What do you recommend?

Go to Kroger, Wal-Mart or your favorite Piggly Wiggly and just ask them for a couple of large grocery bags. Either paper or plastic - your preference. (I prefer the plastic myself) All you need to do is cut a couple of holes in the bottom for your legs and, BOOM(!) instant underwear. Best of all - it's FREE!

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Redneck Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?

a) '66 Ford Fairlane

b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle

c) '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many Ford car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in your back yard vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have working mufflers and un-cracked windshields?

9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

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