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Uncle Ralph: The "Dear Abby" for white trash, trailer trash, redneck. free business cards, free beer

 

The "Dear Abby" For Trailer Trash

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Trailer Trash Advice

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Sep-27-09

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Finding A New Job

 

Hi Uncle Ralph.... 

 

Sorry i beem gone so long...i was in this great trade skool , it was called elevenworth ...some where in kansas. i learned my lesson... never fish with dinemite spussuly near a dam ....maybe ya read about the lower half of missouri gitten flooded a while back ...thats what two sticks of dinemite tied to a rock will do.. 

 

that trade skool learned me all sorts of skills. laundry washen, license plate maken,  how to smile when servin oatmeal.   Now i fine all my old wood chopping jobs have been taken over by mexicuns.   any ideas where i could use my new skills to make enough money to buy a few buckhorns ?

 

dontaney county mo
Don R.

 

 

Hey Don!

 

I wondered what happened to ya!   I'm glad you learned your lesson.   You should only go dam fishing using dam bait.  You can buy lots of dam bait at the dam store just at the top of the dam place.

 

My Grandma blew up a lake once in Pullman Michigan.  Well, actually her date.   You can read about it here:  Missing Grandma

 

But to answer your question about what kind of job you should get, since you can now do laundry washen, and oatmeal serv'en, I suggest you get a job as a maid for one of them there rich suburbanites.   Yep, they actually pay people to come in and do their washen and cook'n.   Can't figure why.   I actually lived in the suburbs once.   Yeah, I confess, I was a suburbanite.   Kinda sucked.   The neighbors hated my pink flamingos and when my wonder former beauty queen wife of almost 29 years planted some really pretty flowers in some old truck tires I had in the front yard, some jerk called the cops on me.   What the heck!   Here I am trying to fit in by beautifing my house and somebody calls the cops.   Now I ain't saying I did this, but some neighbors found a lot of sand in their oil caps and some dog ended up committing animal suicide while taking a dump on my front lawn.    But I digress....

 

Dress up in your finest church going blue jeans, brush your tooth really really good and find the best neighborhood you can.   Go door to door and offer to clean their house and do their washun.   Be sure to let them know you speak English real good.  Who knows, you might just find a board suburbanite housewife that will let you clean her house real good, if'n you know what I mean.  

 

But here's a warning for you:   stay away from those house that have them 14 and 15 year old girls in them.   You know how them young chicks are and when a "Man of the Park" shows up, they may just take advantage of you.   Them suburbanite people tend to call the cops a lot and city judges got no sense of humor.

 

Good luck to you trying to become a productive member of society .   Let me know how things work out.

 

BTW: don't worry about having to wear one of them maid get ups but if you find the right woman to clean for, tell her you have a Speedo you wear.    That may just get you the job for sure but play it by ear.
 

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Who Named Uncle Ralph

 

Dear Uncle Ralph

 

Who named you Ralph?

Allegra

 

 

Dear Allegra,

 

Good question.   Thanks for asking.   As it turns out, my daddy did.   Yep, I knew both my mama and my daddy.   My daddy, God rest his soul, married my mamma and actually stayed married!  

 

I was named after my Daddy's favorite uncle that was killed in a barn fire.   The story was that my Daddy's Uncle Ralph ran into the barn to save a new born calf, (that's what the paper said anyways) but actually he was trying to salvage his mash.   We think the still may have had a problem but that's just speculation. 
 

Uncle Ralph Gives Free Beer for Trailer Trash and Rednecks.  - Not really -

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P.S.  I'm not gay nor have I ever been a panty fluffer. 

 

 

 

 

Did The Right Thing Or Not


Uncle Ralph,

 

I just broke up with my boyfriend. and i am now starting to get over it when he all of a sudden asks me out again.  and I told him no but I don't know if I did the right thing or not.

Alma

 

 

Dear Alma,

 

That's completely up to you darling.   If he can still give you that 'ol tingle, go for it.  If not, don't.   If you can see yourself sucking face with him, then go out with him, if not, don't.

 

It worked out great for me.   I broke up with my girlfriend, she became the local beauty queen so I asked her out again.  Now we've been married for 28 years and still counting.   'Cept for her totaling my car last Friday I had for 10 years, it's been all good.   (She's ok, but I'm gonna miss that car.)

 

Uncle Ralph Gives Free Beer for Trailer Trash and Rednecks.  - Not really -

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Bumper stickers seen on Marine Corps Base


" U.S. Marines -- Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club"

"Water-boarding is out, so kill them all!"

"Interrogators can't water board dead guys"

" U.S. Marines -- Travel Agents to Allah"

"Stop Global Whining"

"When In Doubt, Empty the Magazine"

"Naval Corollary; Dead men don't testify"

"The Marine Corps -- When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight"

"Death Smiles at Everyone -- Marines Smile Back"

"Marine Sniper -- You can run, but you'll just die tired!"

"What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? ... A little Recoil"

"Marines - Providing the Enemies of America an Opportunity to Die For their Country since 1775"*

"Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It"

"Happiness Is a Belt-Fed Weapon"

"It's God's Job to Forgive Bin Laden - - It's Our Job to Arrange the Meeting"

"Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just a Brawl"

"One Shot, Twelve Kills -- USN Gun Fire Support"

"Do Draft Dodgers Have Reunions? If So, What Do They Talk About?"

"My kid fought in Iraq so your kid can party in college"

"Machine Gunners -- Accuracy by Volume"

"A Dead Enemy Is a Peaceful Enemy - - Blessed Be the Peacemakers"

"If You Can Read, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It in English, Thank a Veteran"

"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, and Communism, WAR has never solved anything."

"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But the Marines don't have that problem."
-- Ronald Reagan
 

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Uncle Ralph.  The "Dear Abby" for trailer Trash and Rednecks.

 

 

 

 

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