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The "Dear Abby" For Trailer Trash A bit of humor for the way we live. |
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NASCAR Beer Drinking
[ Editors Note: Last week, Uncle Ralph pointed out that a combination sport of NASCAR Beer Drinking (Drive really fast while drinking beer. ) might be too regional because the people of Tennessee train their kids early in this. Uncle Ralph received dozens of emails regarding this. What follows is a sampling. ]
Uncle Ralph, Obviously you ain’t never been to Wisconsin. We’d kick butt in NASCAR beer drinking. Tennessee got nothing on us! Mike
*** More ***
Uncle Ralph, I’ve been to Tennessee and proved that any [ profanity deleted ] from Arkansas could beat those light weights. Give me a break. We were running SHINE before they knew what blew by them. Sincerely, Moonshine Man NASCAR BEER DRINKING ROCKS!!
***More***
Dear Uncle Ralph, My old man aint from Tennessee but I know he’d win any such NASCAR beer thingy. [ profanity deleted ], he smoke the cops out here every weekend. This sounds like a challenge to me. Where does he sign up? Catwoman.
***More***
Hey Uncle Ralph, If I join NACAR Beer drinking, will I get free beer? Ray.
***More***
Uncle Ralph, I’m from Tennessee but now I live in the sunshine state of California. I have to say that you’re right on the money. My third grade niece would stomp these idiots out here in NASCAR beer drink’in. These wussies out here have no clue! Missin Home.
**** Uncle Ralph Replies ****
Dear NASCAR Beer Drinking Fans,
Thank you for all of your letters. I was reminded in one letter from a very nice state trooper, that it is illegal in every state to drink and drive. ( I’m sorry Mr. Trooper, but that ain’t never stopped Trailer Trash from doing it. )
It sounds to me like we have the makings of a genuine sport. NASCAR are you listening?
Looks Up to Uncle Jim Dear Uncle Ralph,
Bo (age 12)
Dear Bo,
At 12, I know it’s real easy to look up to your Uncle Jim. When a family member has a real nice trailer, you want to be just like them. It’s natural. If you want a mansion trailer of your own someday, I suggest you do this: 1) Stay in school. At least through 8th grade. Even if you have to repeat 6th grade a few times, stick with it. A good general rule of thumb is: the more book learning you get in school, the bigger trailer you’ll get when you finally get kicked out. 2) Don’t knock up any chicks before your 18 years old. This is not just a bad practice but any chick you knock up will want a piece of your new trailer. 3) (And I know this one really hurts) Get a Job.
Harlem Help
Dear Uncle Ralph,
PUSA
Dear PUSA,
I am almost never surprised to know that there is trailer trash in the big city. Even I lived in the suburbs once. I know how hard it is to live a decent trailer life in that environment but I encourage you to hold on.
It’s amazing how a trailer trash women suddenly find a good excuse to “follow a career” and you losing your job seems to have provided one. But never the less, this is where you have found your self.
So, first of all, encourage her in her career. The more she is “into” it the more time she’ll spend at work and the more money she’ll make. The more money she makes, the less likely you’ll have to be gainfully employed.
Once your secure and don’t have to get a job, you tell all your girlfriends you have one. Now you can juggle them all. All you have to do is go out with one on Monday and tell everyone else you have to work. Then take the next one out on Tuesday and tell everyone else you have to work. Do the same for Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
A word of caution here. Even though you can juggle several girlfriends that way, you’ll need to reserve Saturday and Sunday for your wife. It’s only fair that when she works long hours every day and then has to come home and clean the house, do the laundry and cook the meals that you dedicate some time to your MAIN WOMAN.
Good Beer
Dear Uncle Ralph
I was just wonderin' what makes Pabst Blue Ribbon so dang good and thought you might know.
Cletus Clet,
Ah, one of my favorites.
It’s the care and love put into every batch that makes it so good. Generations of skilled brewers have dedicated their lives to making this fine product.
It is some what on the high end for my budget, though. But on the plus side, Buckhorn beer is produced by Pabst as their low end product. Not quite the quality of Pabst Blue Ribbon but you can drink more for the same dollar.
A Civil Wedding
Dear Uncle Ralph
My girlfriend and I have decide to finally get married after 7 years of just living together. We’re not sure if we should just have a civil wedding or a big church wedding. What do you think?
‘Bout-Time-Charlie
Dear ‘Bout-Time,
Have a Civil wedding. Lord knows the marriage wont be.
Special Commentary by Uncle Ralph
Our readers should never be surprised that there is Trailer Trash in big cities. Just this week it has been reported that the Detroit Police Department is now required to salute Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. It’s good to know that there is a Trailer Trash attitude is even in city hall.
Mr. Mayor, we salute you.
(I’ve saluted the police many times with one finger and I suspect that the police will salute the Mayor in the same manor.)
Remember: We’re all in this great big trailer park together.
Related News Article http://www.detnews.com/2002/metro/0209/06/index.htm
Special Note: Not all letters are answered here. Some are answered in the Confidentials section of the free News Letter. Be Sure to sign up.
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