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The "Dear Abby" For Trailer Trash A bit of humor for the way we live. |
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April 6, 2003 Changes Weekly!
My Friend Smokes
Dear Uncle Ralph,
I have a friend who smokes, but it is kept a secret by him and no one in his family knows. Would you tell their parents or what would you do?
Valerie
Dear Valerie,
Smoking comes natural to trailer trash. No one should be surprised that your friend smokes. But I have to tell you, that smoking can make you smell bad, however in some cases the smell may be better than the alternative. It also changes the color of your teeth if you still have any. How would you like to go around with your only tooth stained brown? Dang! I know, it disgusting. Worse yet, can you imagine shoving your tongue down the throat of someone that smokes a pack a day? Eeeeeewwwww!
But as for telling his parents, let me share a little secret with you. Promise me you wont tell anyone. OK? Ok. Well, I fart. It’s one of those little habits I’ve developed over the years. I tried to quit once, but I started eating a lot and gained a bunch of weight so I started back up again.
One of the things that I noticed when I lived in the big city was that there are no smoking signs everywhere. Not so with farting. You walk on an elevator and you will see no smoking signs everywhere telling you if you light up you will go to jail and get fined most of your Buckhorn money. But I looked everywhere and there are no “No Farting” signs anywhere.
I really took advantage of this one day on the elevator and let one RIP! It was so loud that I felt the elevator tremble. An old lady turned off her hearing aid, two guys in suits with some hot chick gasped and the two kids with Mohawks applauded. I never went to jail and was never fined. I had a lot of fun for two months taking elevator rides even though I had no where to go in the building.
The only reason I tell you this little secret, (and please never ever tell anyone) is to explain why you should not tell his parents. You see, I never told my sweet mother that I was a farter. I think she may have suspected it when I was a teen, but she never challenged me on it. If someone was to go to her today and present the evidence, it would just break her heart. And what would that change? Would I still fart. Probably. Out of respect, I still wouldn’t do it in front of my mother. But now my mother would have a broken heart knowing that after all these years, her son farts.
So I suggest that you be quiet about what you know. No good can come from telling his parents. You can, however, talk to your friend and let him know that smoking is bad for him and that if he really needs to try and feel cool he should just get another tattoo. I understand that Uncle Ralph Tattoos are really becoming popular.
P.S. I learned the hard way not to fart in church. I thought it would be ok. Why else would they call my seat a “Pew”?
Fake Orgasms
Dear Uncle Ralph,
Madeline
Dear Madeline,
Perhaps. But in my many years I’ve never seen the need.
Wife Needs to Dip
Dear uncle Ralph
My wife is from California and im from the hills
of Kentucky and well the problem is i dip skoal and well seein as shes from the
city she find it nasty i tried showin her how good it taste but she jus ended up
sick in the bath tub what should i do? Dear Timbo,
I’ve been sick in the bathtub, but that’s a whole nother Buckhorn story.
You have to break these “left coast” chicks in slowly. Start by getting yourself a few coffee cans. Keep one by the easy chair and another by the bed. Then use them as spittoons. The smell will build slowly and she will find that she has gotten used to it and not even know it. Then you start mixing a little in with her coffee and she’ll start getting used to the taste. The last thing you need to do is get her drunk and then have her try some. Soon she’ll be spitt’in as good as any Kentucky chick.
Nudist Camps in England
Dear Uncle Ralph,
.thankin u...avin
Dear Avin,
Your letter reminds me that there is trailer trash all over the world. It’s good to hear from some brothers across the pond.
But sorry, I can’t tell you about any nudist campsites over there. It strikes me that I wouldn’t want to. You see, there are a lot of nudist camps in the states because we got the sunshine. You got rain and damp and generally nasty type weather. So no body gets any sun which means that if you ever went to a nudist camp in England, you would be blinded by some blindingly bright white arse.
It’s best to stay home if only for the protection of your eyes
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What's On This Week On the Jerry Springer Show Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Note: Jerry Springer has not endorsed Uncle Ralph and is not affiliated in any way. But he should be.
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