August 25, 2002

 Grandma’s Advice

Dear Uncle Ralph,

I’ve been reading your column for several weeks now & really enjoy it.  I like how you always try to save relationships so I thought I may pass along a tip of my own.

I have been happily married for 52 years.  We have had 7 wonderful children together and they have all turned out marvelously.  One is even a Proctologist.  The whole family is proud of her. 

Well , while I was reading your column this week about what to do with Grandpa, it occurred to me about one of the things we did early on with our kids that I believe really made a difference in the success they have today.

You see, just after my second son was born, my old man removed a wall adjoining our bathroom and added 3 more toilets.  Then every morning before school and work we would all gather together for our own “Grand Think”.  We would read the Readers Digest to each other and tell jokes and generally have a good time. 

We all remember this time spent together fondly as very special.  Five of our children and 1 of our Grand children have adopted this practice for their families and all of them are doing very well.

My husband once said, “a family that stinks together, sticks together.”  This has certainly proved to be true.  So I recommend to your readers that they add at least one more toilet to their bathrooms and take the time to enjoy the company of your families.

Sincerely,

Grandma Fortunate.

Dear Grandma,

I have heard of this practice from years ago.  My own Grandfather spoke fondly of his old “4 hole outhouse.”  Things seemed so much simpler, and families did stick together more.

I applaud you for your great tip.  For those of you working hard to ensure that your family sticks together, give it a try.  Please be sure to let me know how it works out.

[Editor’s note:  For those of you who missed the article that Grandma Fortunate refers to, please visit  www.AskUncleRalph.com/archive/Aug-18-2002.htm ]

Shot My Pool Too

dearest uncle ralph,

 i submited a kwestyun about missus "cleaver" a while a go. i forgot to mention that i shot holes in my delux wally world pool, an now my neices and nefews can't swim no more. what should i do? Grandaddy won’t buy me an other un. now what?

sincerely,

bayou chikity

Dear Bayou,

Wow, you were aggressive in shooting your neighbors chickens.   But to answer your question on how you can fix it.  Use them there inner tubes you got hanging on those trees that you let your kids  use as swings as patches.  Don’t worry bout using all the inner tubes. If you need to just spend some time in my used car lot, (Uncle Ralph’s back yard), and get some more.  Problem solved.

You can also use Duct-tape (Dut-tape).  Use generously.  Then keep the guns in the trailer or in the truck gun-rack where they belong.  A woman really shouldn’t be handling guns.

[Editor Note: ref www.AskUncleRalph.com/archive/Aug-18-2002.htm  for the original column.]

Hunters Blues

 Uncle Ralph

comments = Uncle Ralph my double wide is planted on 40 prime acres of hunting glory, my problem is all my hunting buddies think my palace is there's during hunting season.  How can I convince them otherwise?

Randal Huntalot

Dear Randal,

God has obviously blessed you.   You have 40 acres with furry woodland creatures that you can kill AND you have buddies.  You should be very thankful. 

Nonetheless, you need to weed out the buddies that only love you for the opportunity to shoot something and those that are REALLY your buddies.  So here is what I suggest: require that anyone that hunts on your 40 acres provide you with 2 cases of Buckhorn Beer for every week they hunt there.  Your real buddies will gladly bring the beer and share it with you, after that you won’t care about the so-called buddies that only bring the beer just to hunt.

 Dating Cattle?

Dear Uncle Ralph,

  Is it really illegal to date cattle?  And if so, why?

Boseefus

Dear Bo,

It’s not illegal to date cattle.  What is illegal in every state except West Virginia (where men are men and sheep are nervous) is what is called “Unnatural Acts”.  

I do understand the attraction to those beautiful bovine lips.   I‘ve been attracted to those type of lips many times over my life but they have never been attached to cattle.   Some cows, yes, but cattle, no.

So if you get the urge to take a cow to Micky D’s feel free.  But unless you’re in West Virginia – no “Unnatural Acts.”

Should Be in Church

Uncle Ralph,

IS THIS ALL YOU DO WITH YOUR SPARE TIME? SHOULD YOU BE WORKING AT YOUR CHURCH MORE?

Matt

Dear Matt,

Well, that is what the preacher says.  But it's obvious that I am helping mankind (at least the Trailer Trash of mankind) by providing advice.  There are so many people yet to help.  Like: do you know how hard it is to help a Used Car Salesman.  They're almost beyond help.  Even Preacher appriciates any help I can give in that area.

Special Note:

Not all letters are answered here.  Some are answered in the Confidentials section of the free News Letter.  Be Sure to sign up.

Need Advice?  Ask Here!

 Click Here

www.SquireLaneWebHosting.com

www.LDFacts.com

What's On This Week On the Jerry Springer Show

Special Note:

DO YOU WANT TO BE ON THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW?

 A producer of the Jerry Springer show has asked that I provide their toll free number so that the Ask Uncle Ralph readers can call them. 

Associate Producer Jessica is looking for "Strange or unusual" stories.

As we all know, the Trailer Trash Community sure has more than their share!

Give her a call.

Her number is 888-321-5399.

More info can be found at

http://www.jerryspringer.com/guestsearch.asp

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Note: Jerry Springer has not endorsed Uncle Ralph and is not affiliated in any way.  He's just too cool not to link to.

Advertisements

Copyright 2009 all rights reserved