December 22, 2002 

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Designated Driver

Dear Uncle Ralph,

What is the best way to keep from getting arrested after driving home after celebrating the Christmas spirit with my friends?

Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

This is been a problem since man first fell off his horse.  Of course the best way is to never drink and drive.  That way you will have a better chance of getting out of the way of me when I drink and drive.  (Just kidding, MADD) 

Recently someone sent me an email (original author is unknown) with some great advice that should help.   I have already used it several times.  Please feel free to use this advice to protect your friends.

                &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.  The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.  After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car that he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then  remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now  started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."  

 Santa and Bad Redneck Girls and Boys

Dear Uncle Ralph,
 
Momma told me if I was bad this year, that Santa would give me something for bad girls. But I ASKED for coal so I could keep my feet warm this winter. What does Santa give to bad redneck girls and boys?

Dandelion Duke

Dear Dandelion,

I love Bad Redneck Girls!  They can be really fun. 

But since Santa is a good drinking buddy of mine (why do you think is nose is so red), I thought that I would ask the old man himself.  So I hit the mall and took him out for a Buckhorn after he got through listening to all the whining brats. 

When I asked the question, he got that far-away look in his eye and you could see the smirk glowing from beneath his long white beard.

“Well for bad Redneck boys and girls I do give a lump of coal.  But for REALLY BAD redneck Girls, they get a free ride to the North Pole on Santa’s very own sleigh.  Then I try to show them what being bad is really all about.  It usually only takes a night or two.”

So I hope this answers your question.  If you want coal, be bad.  If you want something more, then be REALLY GOOD AT BEING BAD.

A Great Christmas Present

Dear uncle Ralph

I want to give my boyfriend the best Christmas present ever.  I  need advise on how to give a wild and sexy lapdance that will get my boyfriend horney and would keep asking me give me another one through the rest of the year..

Dominique

Dear Dominique,

What a great idea for a Christmas present!

But I have to tell you that your Uncle Ralph has never had a lapdance or even been in a place where they give lapdances.  Yes, that is true.  Around my trailer park, all the women are 250 pounds plus.  For my own safety, I avoid lapdances.

So to answer your question, I passed your letter to a very good friend of mine in Florida, Boseefus.   He has worked as a DJ for many years in an adult entertainment establishment.  Below is his repsonce.

Uncle Ralph

Hey Uncle Ralph!

After reading your letter from Dominique, I though I should do a bit of research so I spent the weekend research’in.  So from what I remember of it, here is my suggestions.

It helps to have lotsa buckhorn....give him some too. be creative.  Invite some of your friends to help. Better yet, invite any relatives of yours or his, even his Mom, because we here in the trailer park really get along good. My bet is that he would like this gesture.  Make sure to take pictures for him too (this could come in handy if he ever decides to leave you also).  Definitely stick with the Buckhorn. there ain't nuth’in sexier than a drunk trailer trash woman in a man's lap.  It's better when he's drunk too cuz then with his blurry vision, it will also make you look like you got a full row of teeth.

Boseefus.

So Dominique,

 I hope this helps.  But remember, If your over 200 pounds, be sure to use a really strong chair.  –Uncle Ralph

Merry Christmas

Dear Uncle Ralph Readers and Fans,

I wish to thank you all.  I’ve enjoyed writing this column so much and have had so much fun with it that I can’t express my gratitude enough.  Just knowing that so many people enjoy the column is as good of a Christmas present that I could ever get.

I have never forgotten that Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ.  It is therefore my sincere wish that you all enjoy this Christmas season.

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