January 12, 2003 

Changes Weekly!

Uncle Ralph Does The Dishes

Dear Readers,

My feelings have been hurt.  I’m nearly crushed with disappointment.  Last week I posted my picture in hopes of winning a bet with my wife that my women readers would find me attractive and drop me a not saying so.  She said that if I posted my picture that I would scare my female readers away.  I was going to show the thousands of letters to my wife and win the bet.  ( I would get to watch Jerry Springer for an entire weekend.)    Well I only got one letter.  (thanks Mom) 

So anyhow,  I lost.  I did the dishes.   Three months worth.  The good news is I could throw the paper plates away.  I still had to wash the plastic silverware.

I think perhaps my problem was that I posted Boseefus’s  picture at the same time.  I got a lot of letters asking how they could write to him.  I understand that an entire military base was impressed enough with his big gun to start using his picture as the official wallpaper on their computers.  Anyhow, for those of you sending your naked pictures for me to pass to Boseefus, please send them and your love letters to Boseefus@AskUncleRalph.com.  I wouldn’t have thought that he was so much more handsome that I am, but who am I to judge?

  Doktur Bob Needs Babe Help

Dear Uncle Ralph,
 
Hi, this Dr Bob. Ilive in trailur court at State Prison. I am so kul, I drive hog with plate that says Dr Bob. I have gone to Junier Nurse College fer over twenty Five yers but gurls is always pickin on me and flunkin me. So I tells peple I am a Sykologyst. I was on the Swat Team at the Prison as Backup Backup Highdrachun Specialyst. "Whacha Gonna Do Whacha Gonna Do when Water Boy come fer you"
As you can sea I am the smartist Umployee, I can even spell CAPULARY! Some peple say I cant rede or wright but I not stoopid. Itz to bad my spel chekur dyed of a great big infart, My problem is BABES, whenever I meet babes I usually get beat up by Babes or Babes Biker Boyfriends,Last time I got Beat up I had to tell peple at werk that I fell off my Hog(Biggest Kawasaki in Trailur Court) What can I do???? Pleeze Help!

Doktur Bob

Dear Doktur,

I’ve no idea what a Backup “Backup Highdrachun Specialyst” is but is sure sound important. 

I can see what your problem is.   You’ve got 25 years in Junior Nurse College.  Obviously you’re used to studying a lot.  What’s happing is that the babes think you are a nerd.  Nerds always get beat up.  You’re gonna have to throw off that image. 

You see, trailer park babes don’t like it when guys are smarter than them.  It intimidates them.  You are obviously very smart and well educated. 

So here is my advice to you:

1)  Act stupid around the babes until they can get to know you better.  If you ware glasses with duct tape around the frame, loose them.  

2)  Dump the Kawasaki and get a Harley Davidson.  If your going for the Babes nothing beats a Harley.  There’s something about a bike that burns rice rather than pure High Octane American Gasoline that makes some people just wanna kick some butt.  And if your butt is on a rice burner, you have to expect to get it kicked once in a while.

3) Get a big tattoo on your arm that says something like “I love Mom”  or even “ I love SIS”.  This will show the chicks what a  sensitive guy you are.   Remember, chicks love guys who love their Mom.

Good luck to you.

Broken Instrument

Dear uncle Ralph

. My wif...err....sister can fart better than i can.  This ain't no panty fluffin either.  It sounds like a chainsaw being started and she always has to show me up when we's both in Hardees.  What's wrong with me and what can i do to blow her away? Beans ain't been workin either

Bruce

Dear Bruce,

Have you ever been gay or been in prison?  If the answer is yes then I got some bad news for you.  You’ve broke your “instrument of flatulent satisfaction”.  

This is a common problem with trailer trash guys.  Once they get out of prison, things just don’t work the same.  It like taking a finely tuned instrument, like a trumpet, and using it for purposes not originally intended.   Eventually, it’s gonna go out of tune.

At any rate, there really is nothing to be ashamed of.   This is really something to be proud of.  If your “wif..err..sister” is really good, you can show her off at parties.  If you want something unique to do at a party, get a set of bongo drums, do the Beat Poet thing.  You know, beat the drums in a rhythmic fashion while she lifts her leg and rips ‘em.  As the two of you get well known, you may eventually get paid to do parties for other people.

Have fun.

Give Up After 5 Tries?

Dear Uncle Ralph,

If i go out with a girl atleast 5 times, and paid for the beer, and she won't sleep with me, is it o.k. to start going out with her sister?

Russ

Dear Russ,

Yes, unless she starts buying the beer.  If she does then keep her.

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