June-2-2002

Show ~n~ Don't Tell

Dear Uncle Ralph

Yesterday my cousin Bobby Bob, asked me to go behind the dumpster at our trailer park to play show and don't tell.  I'm not sure if this is propper, I mean I go with my brother all the time, but, after all he is my brother.  Isn't it illegal or something to do those kinda things with your cousins?  Bobby Bob does have a nice truck though, so it might be fun.  What do you think?
 

Morally Confused

Dear Morally Confused,

It's not what I think.  It's what your brother thinks.  It's a well known fact that we always have a higher opinion of ourselves that what others do.  This is just a fact of life for those of us that live like we do.  So I would have a frank conversation with your brother.  Ask him if he was truly impress or if he just couldn't do any better.

If he was truly impressed then feel free to flaunt what ya got with your cousin.  If he wasn't, then avoid it.  Who knows, you may want to marry your cousin someday.  You wouldn't want to spoil your chances by with such a disappointment.  After your married, feel free to disappoint as much as you like.

Fart Like a Man

Dear Uncle Ralph.

Last week a group of us guys from our High School got together and had a fart lighting contest.   I won.  I tried to get my girlfriend to try it but she said that girls don't fart.  My mom said the same thing.  Is this true.

Just Wondering

Dear Just Wondering.

Two things. 

1) It's true, Girls don't fart.  They Panty-Fluff. 

2) I no longer recommend lighting farts even though I was my own High School Champion.  Several studies show that it is possible to have the fart actually explode within the colon.   This can be very dangerous. However, the same studies have shown that there is an entire class of people that for them, this is not a problem.  It appears that Republicans have their sphincters so tight that this is not an issue.