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The "Dear Abby" For Trailer Trash A bit of humor for the way we live. |
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November 9, 2002 Changes Weekly!
A Moment of Silence Please
Dear Readers,
This week saw a disaster for the Trailer Trash Community. A disaster even worse than a tornado. Worse than a flood and even worse than seeing Newt Gingridge naked. The Democrats lost both the House and the Senate.
I can not express my grief in words that would make sense. After loosing Bill Clinton, the best friend that Trailer Trash ever had, now the Republicans have completely taken over.
Now there is little more to hope for. Where once our dreams contained visions of free beer from our elected officials, have now been replaced by nightmares of having to be gainfully employed. Where perhaps we once led simple lives in our double wide, we now look forward to minimum wage at the Quickie Mart.
As saddened as I am by this turn of events, there is still hope. Hillary is still with us. If there was anyone who could possible understand us it would be Hillary. She is one of us. She is with us. She is for us. Our prayers must now be for Hillary to save us.
As we drive our pickup trucks around the Republican neighborhoods on trash day, let remember how the rich get richer and Trailer Trash struggle for Buckhorn. Let us remember how we once had peaceful lives without harassment by the government controlled police. Trailer Trash is an accepting people, they live their lives where they are and for the moment, but we must not forget.
In two years we get to vote again. Let us not forget who got us where we are today and put the Democrats back where they belong: In the Senate and House.
Where’s the Buckhorn?
Dear Uncle Ralph,
When I was a youngster I used to be able to go to the local store and purchase a half rack of Buckhorn for around 2-3 dollars. I can no longer find Buckhorn beer or any other inexpensive drinkable beer such as Rheinlander, Beer Beer, or Bohemian. Are any of these delectable beverages still available anywhere? Your site is the only one I've ever found that mentions Buckhorn.
Paul
Dear Thirsty Paul,
You see! It’s already started. The Republicans are just voted in and now we can’t find the Buckhorn. This sucks! I’ve seen rumors on the internet that it may be that people are stockpiling Buckhorn because they fear that the government (now controlled completely by Trailer Trash Bashing Republicans) may be planning to force people to stop making it. Apparently the plan is for the government to force the Trailer Trash community to have to buy more expensive beer by removing the availability for us to buy excellent cheap beer. This way we will all be forced to get jobs. This will have the following ripple effect: 1) We get jobs, 2) We pay Taxes and the government makes money 3) They wont have to give us food stamps, the government saves money 4) they government lowers taxes. 5) The rich get richer. It’s all about the rich getting richer. My advice to you is to start making your own.
Missing Goose Formation
Dear Uncle Ralph,
My granddaughter were watching the geese fly south, and she asked me why one side of the vee is longer than the other. I couldn't give her an answer, So I ask you....Why is one side of a geese V formation longer than the other?
Granny,
Dear Granny,
Because Republicans want everyone to have guns. As strange as it may seem, the geese used to always fly is a perfect V. Then the Republicans insisted that everyone have guns. And when everyone has guns, everyone was to shoot their guns. And when everyone shoot their guns, then they want to shoot geese. The geese where then organized in protest by Al Sharpton who asked them to fly in a “Missing Goose” formation. So next time you see the Geese flying in a “Missing Goose” formation you understand
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I Don’t Stink Right
Dear Uncle Ralph,
I just moved into the trailer park. The people here won't except me. they say i don't stink right. what can i do?
Stinky Bob
Dear Stinky Bob,
Well, yes, you do need to smell right for the Trailer Park. It is one of the unwritten rules. So here is what you do: A) Drink heavily. I mean really heavy. After a heavy weekend of being drunk and puking, you tend to develop a really unique smell. B) Don’t change underwear for at least a month or if you really feel you need to change your underwear then find a neighbor to change with. C) Take a bath at least once every two months even if you think you really don’t need one. D) Smoke heavily. E) Stop putting on ladies perfume. This should be self explanatory but you’d be surprised how often I have to tell Trailer Trash Men to stop that. Follow these simple steps and you’ll begin to really fit in.
And as with my responses to the letters before yours, I am sure that this is also the fault of the Republicans. I’m just not putting my finger on how yet. When I do, I’ll write you again.
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What's On This Week On the Jerry Springer Show Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Note: Jerry Springer has not endorsed Uncle Ralph and is not affiliated in any way. But he should be.
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