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The "Dear Abby" For Trailer Trash A bit of humor for the way we live. |
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October 27, 2002 Changes Weekly!
Likes the “Spach” Up
Dear Uncle Ralph, [EDITORS NOTE: see: http://www.askuncleralph.com/Life/missing_grandma.htm]
The only problem is it got me into trouble with
the law. How can I avoid being caught? They already been to my trailer twice.
The problem is we don't have no lakes here in the south that freeze. I don't
live near no lakes anyhow. The other problem is they won't sell me no dadgum
dyn'mite either. Alls i could get was some cherry bombs. Since i like to watch
water "splach" up to and we have no lakes...i threw some cherry bombs in the
drainage ditch. that didn't splatch enuff. So, i put some of them there
beauties in my neighbor's porcelain throne (with some beauties he left there
from earlier) and watched that splatch up. My neighbor didn't like this as much
as i did and now the law is after me. Should i turn my self in or make her a
beer can windchime and apologize. I'll still be hidin until i decide what to
do. what would you do?
Dear Boomer,
Dang! No wonder your neighbor is mad at you. Everyone knows that you are supposed to flush the cherry bomb down the toilet. This makes a “Splatch” up in every drain in the house. Much more fun.
So now the law is after you. Bummer. I suggest that you make the wind chime and give it to your neighbor, (remember that in some areas of the country a beer can wind chime is a sign of commitment) and then turn your self in. You may have to spend a weekend or two in jail but its free room and board and 3 meals a day.
You may get away with just buying your neighbor a new crapper. If that’s the case, then I suggest the Power Crapper made by American Toilet. This is the one I use. Designed for heavy loads with a power-assisted flush. In the 2 years that I’ve used one I’ve never had to use a plunger except the one time when one of my dogs was drinking from it and one of my nephews flushed it. I still miss that dog.
Skunked Beer
Dear Uncle Ralph, Lonely
Dear Lonely,
You can’t fix the beer but you can still drink it. Start by buying a case of Buckhorn or Pabst and drink half of it. Try and do it within an hour. Then you start drinking the skunked beer. Be sure it is VERY cold. If you can still taste it, then drink another of the good beers and try again. By the end of the night, if you still haven’t passed out, I promise that you wont notice or even care if the beer is Skunked.
For the Tattoo, the one solution is to have another one placed over it. My nephew Brad came up with an excellent solution to the problem since he gets a new tattoo or body piercing with every new girlfriend. What he does is when he gets the name of the latest trailer trash woman tattooed on his body, he has the phrase “Been There, Done That” tattooed under the name of the one he just broke up with. This works out very well
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The Boogie Man
deer unkle ralph-
i ben haven problums with my for step suns an
siksteeen step dahturs. them is thinkin that thayres a boogee mann or sumthin in
owr side of the ozarks. i tells em evry nite that tha onlee theeng too bee
scareds of is the trayler park mann-uh-jerz wife, who gots a haf foot beerd!!!
what do i tell em little munchkins? hellp! sinseerley, billy coonrod
Dear Billy,
What a great opportunity to have some fun! Your little creeps won’t believe in the boogie man forever so now is the time to create memories that will last a lifetime. When they grow up they’ll all thank you for them.
First of all, encourage the thought that there is a boogie man. Then at night you can crawl under the trailer and bang on the floor right under where they are sleeping. Tell them scary stories just before they go to bed and then after they start falling asleep and all the lights are out, sneak into the room and start screaming and yelling.
Remember, now is the time to have some fun. When they are too old for the boogie man then you can make up some really good stuff about the managers wife.
There is only one chance to create childhood memories for your kids. Don’t miss this one.
Chickens Taking Over The World
Dear Unk Raf,
Dis is what i'swanna say. I wanna know too where my chickens r. du u no?
thanx idiot
Dear Idiot,
Yes, I know. Your chickens are forming a chicken army all the chickens from around the world. They are planning to attack you while you sleep and pluck all your hair out, throw you in a pot and boil you for dinner.
Their leader is the big rooster. A cocky fellow, always crowing about himself. He plans on taking over the world, starting with your trailer.
There is only one hope to save mankind from this terrible evil. You must be the one to save us. Since you are the one that they are after the most, you need to talk to them and let them know that you love them and don’t want to harm them in any way. Apologize for eating their relatives and promise not to do it anymore. You need to get this message delivered to the head rooster but his is well hidden so you have to tell all the chickens you see so that they will deliver the message for you. Be aware that when you give the message to the chickens, they will pretend to ignore you. This is part of their military training: not to let the enemy know that you are understood. The message will get to the head rooster, you can be sure.
Now be sure to tell as many chickens that you can find. Take a ride in the country and stop at local farms and get permission from the farmer to talk to his chickens. Please hurry. Remember, you are trying to save the world here.
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