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The "Dear Abby" For Trailer Trash A bit of humor for the way we live. |
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October 6, 2002 Changes Weekly!
Dear Uncle Ralph,
how do you know if a guy likes you? how do you know if a guy loves you?
Rosie
Dear Rosie,
This is a very old question and one that is very difficult to answer. But we’ll give it a try.
Here are some things to look for. 1) 1. Does he have your name tattooed on his body? 2) 2. Did he ever give you a beer can wind chime? 3) 3 Is he comfortable enough to let rip loud farts without feeling the need to apologize? 4) 4. Has he ever given you a 6 pack of Buckhorn? 5) 5. Has he ever called you at 3am while drunk out of his mind?
If a guy likes you he may have done one of the above. If he loves you he will have done all of the above. If he calls you at 3 am while drunk, you can almost be assured that it is love. If a man is thinking of you while drunk, then it’s you that he loves.
Getting Paid to Quit Job
Dear Uncle Ralph,
Will the government give me money if I quit my job?
Signed, Tired of my boss man
Dear Tired,
Yes. You can get money for quitting your job. There are some tricks to doing it though. You need to make it look like it is your bosses’ fault you had to quit.
Start by telling him that you know he is a closet queer. To make it really good you should also tell him that you are attracted to him. Offer to take him on a camping trip. This should start to make him uncomfortable around you. Surprise him with flowers once in front of everyone. Keep up the pressure until he either gets mad at you and fires you or starts yelling at you. If you get fired then you can claim discrimination based on your sexual preference. If he yells at you then you can quit and claim that he has subjected you to undue stress.
The government will then give you money. It’s as simple as that.
All this, of course, assumes that your boss is straight. If he’s not, then just enjoy your camping trip. You may even get a big fat raise
More “Ifishent” Fishin
Dear Uncle Ralph,
Dear Jimbo,
Fishing with dyn-mite is more “ifishent”. That’s part of the problem. You just throw a stick in and “Boom!” all the little fishies float to the top. You then pick the bestest ones. I can remember the time when the game warden didn’t care if we used dyn-mite. There was one night when I counted over 30 boats just tossing out sticks and picking up fish. It wasn’t long before there weren’t any more fish to pick up so everyone started to become board. Once everyone became board that started tossing the dyn-mite at each other. I watched from shore and it looked like a lot of fun. But, three boats sank. One of them was the game warden. It wasn’t long after that, that the state made fishing with dyn-mite illegal.
I think that they should make it legal again. Perhaps on a limited basis. Just throw one stick out and pick up dinner.
But if your really into watching water “splach” up, I suggest eating a big bean burrito and taking a long warm bath.
Alcohol Warnings
Dear Uncle Ralph,
Please post the following warnings. You reader should be aware of the dangers of drinking Buckhorn. I didn’t find out until it was too late.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you
think you are whispering when you are not.
Thank you, Pregnant in Arkansas.
Dear Pregnant,
Thanks for the warnings. I’ll pass them along.
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New to Trailer Life
Dear Uncle Ralph,
Dear Spuds,
Welcome to the Trailer Park. I’m positive you’ll enjoy your stay.
A potato gun is a lot of fun. Your sis (girlfriend) is pointing you in the right direction.
Here is how to make one. Go down to the hardware store and pick up a 4 foot length of 1.5 inch PVC pipe, a 1 foot length of 8 inch PVC pipe, a reducer to reduce the 8 inch pipe to a 1.5 inch pipe and an end cap that you can screw onto the other end of 8 inch pipe. See the fat lady that works in the pipe department of the hardware store. She’ll help. Don’t forget the glue.
(BTW: If you already know about PVC stuff and don’t need no fat lady helping you, you can crawl under your trailer and find most of what you need. Just take a hacksaw with you.)
Now, take all this junk home. Put it all together and drill a small hole in the side of the 8 inch pipe. Shove a potato down the 1.5 inch pipe. You can push it down with a broom handle being careful not to push it all the way into the 8 inch pipe. Next unscrew the end cap and squirt a little lighter fluid in. (you can also use Southern Comfort) Screw the end cap back on and shake the gun to mix the fluid. Now all you have to do is touch a lighter to the small hole you drilled and KABLEWIE! Off goes the potato. Lots of fun.
Enjoy.
What's On This Week On the Jerry Springer Show Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Note: Jerry Springer has not endorsed Uncle Ralph and is not affiliated in any way. But he should be.
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