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The "Dear Abby" For Trailer Trash A bit of humor for the way we live. |
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September
29, 2002 Changes Weekly!
Getting an “Ejucashun”
Dear Uncle Ralph
How come they don't show that Hee-Haw show no more? how am i gonna give the chilluns the ejucashunul shows they needa be lookin at?
Hank
Dear Hank
You are absolutely right. Kids today should be required to watch Hee-Haw. Remember the song “Gloom, Despair & Agony on me”? This is a Trailer Trash Classic. How are our kids going to grow up with an appreciation of the classics if they never see or hear them?
It’s a wonder, though, that they ever made it on TV at all. When the show first aired a controversy raged for months. It appears that the suburbanites thought we were getting too uppity, wrote their congressman and even threatened boycotts of the sponsors. The republicans were very aggressive in opposition to the education of the Trailer Trash and Redneck communities. By the time our man Bill Clinton made it into the White House, the show had already met it’s demise.
Why is there such opposition to educating our children? Well the answer is simple: If we were able to show the world what a great life Rednecks, Hillbillies and Trailer Trash lead, then the suburbanites and Republicans would loose their power base. I think, though, that we are seeing the beginnings of the end for their grand designs. It’s obvious that when we were able to elect Bill Clinton as president and now Hillary as a senator, we are winning the war.
Is Beer Breakfast Food?
Dear Uncle Ralph,
Is beer a generally accepted breakfast food? Some people actually disagree with me that it is! I say it has grains in it just like cereal, so it's good for you. Plus it makes you feel better than a dang old bowl of Wheaties! What do you think?
Rick
Rick,
Beer IS generally accepted as a breakfast food by Trailer Trash and Rednecks. Not for the reasons you stated, though. You see, after a night of a few dozen Buckhorns, you usually end up sleeping in late. Then when you wake up at 2 or 3 in the afternoon, it’s time to start drinking again.
And after all that, who could actually stomach Wheaties?
In the Closet
Uncle Ralph,
I know my brother is gay. He aint had a girlfriend in almost 10yrs. And he says Kurt Cobain is the sexiest man to ever exist, Yet he still says he is straight. I think he is still a virgin (he’s 20yrs old). And he just doesn’t take an intrest in females. He seems "too happy" that I have gay guy friends, He wants to hang out with them. I am convinced he is gay, How do I get him to admit he is so he can get out of the closet and stop damaging his self esteem.
Worried, Carly,
Dear Carly,
Why would you think he is damaging his self-esteem? It appears to me that you WANT him to be gay.
I say to leave your brother alone. If he wants to be a Pee-Pee touching closet queer, (although there’s nothing wrong with that) then let him.
___________________________________________________ Where Babies Come From
Dear Uncle Ralph,
Is it true that when babies are made, they
start gettin made at the Buckhorn Factory. That's what momma told me. Why do
they start gettin made there? I thought they were made at the hospital or in
pick-up trucks.
In the dark,
Dear Betty Sue,
It’s true. Either at the Buckhorn factory or the Pabst Blue Ribbon factory. But most of these babies are either really UGLY or really DUMB.
Both of these fine beers use a secret chemical agent that makes a man very appealing to the opposite sex and makes an ugly woman very beautiful.
So what your Mama is trying to tell you is that if it weren’t for the secret stuff put in the beer, most babies wouldn’t be made at all.
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No “Lectric”
Dear Uncle Ralph,
the lectric company turned off my lectric because they said I had an illegal connection and they won't turn it back on until I pay $4,276.42. Now what do I do?
Lights Out Buddy.
Dear Lights Out,
The great thing about being Trailer Trash is that we are all resourceful. You can do a few things. 1) Run an extension cord to your neighbors trailer. If you bury it when they ain’t home, they wont even know. 2) When the “lectric” company ain’t looking, hook it back up. If you see someone snooping around, take him out a case of Buckhorn so he’ll keep his mouth shut. 3) Start drinking earlier in the day so you pass out before it gets dark and then you wont need “lectric” lights.
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