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The "Dear Abby" For Trailer Trash A bit of humor for the way we live. |
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Space Alien Dad
Dear Uncle Ralph,
I never thought I'd write in for advice but my mama said I should. You see, I ain't got no belly button. None. Zilch. Nada. My best friend says that's because my daddy was a space alien from Zoonan or some such place and that I was hatched from an space alien egg in my grandpa's tool shed. I don't believe any of it though. Everybody knows that Zoonan space aliens don't lay eggs. When I wear a two piece bathing suit, the guys stare at my tummy. I'd rather have them stare at my boobs. That would be nice. They then ask stupid questions like "What happened to your belly button?" and "Wanna get your naval pierced with me?" or "Were you a test tube baby?". I'm sick of all this. I wanna go just hurt somebody when they start talking like that.
So my question is this: Should I ask Mom if I can go back to Zoonan with my Dad? I ain't never been there and my Dad comes around in his space ship about once a month to see me when my Mom is doing her midnight bowling thing. He's cool. He found me on MySpace and his space ship is disguised like an old Pontiac so the anti-spaceman people won't be able to tell it's him. I can ask my Mom but she'll say "no" like she always does and we'll get in a big fight and I'll say "I'm sorry" and she'll be like "go to your room and stop talking about space alien dads" and I'll be like "You don't love me" and she'll say "did you take your medication?" and stuff.
So what do you think? Dad says we'd have to go to California and then to their space station in Mexico. I ain't never been to any of those places cause my mom ain't got a space ship. Should I ask Mom or just go next time Dad comes over?
No Belly-Button Christina
Dear Christina,
Your "Dad" is tricking you, babe. He ain't a real alien. I should know. I've met several of them. I can tell because no self respecting space alien would disguise his space ship like a Pontiac. It's always either a Mustang, Camero or Corvette. (Ok once I thought I saw a space alien in a Mercedes but that was the exception.)
Oh, and also, California and Mexico ain't in outer space. No space ship required.
So tell your mom that your "Space Alien" Dad wants to take you to California and Mexico. I think you'll see someone flying to the moon.
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Marry Your Grandma?
Uncle Ralph,
Is it ok to marry your grandma
Dear Ralph,
eeeewwwwww.... My Grandma's been dead for a long time. No! Sick jerk!
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Desperate For Extreme Happiness
Dear Uncle Ralph,
I just read about something that I really want. I tried to find it online but can't. I wan't to get one for my girlfriend. Here's the link from the BBC article.
Desperate for your help. Tanya.
Dear Desperate,
Ah-hem... Ok, Found it. You can visit their website here.
I have to admit though, I've never seen the need for one. I'm a better tool than that all by my own self.
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