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Dear Uncle Ralph,
Just a reminder from us southern trailer trash:
All good Southerners already know these, but in fairness to those Yankees who
were dumb enough to stay down here:
1. Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hrs a day, so
let them cook something they know.
2. Don't laugh at people's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari
Beth, and Inez have all been known to whip a man's ass for less than that.
3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda -- this can lead to a merciless
beating. Down South it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
4. Don't show allegiances to any college football squad that isn't an SEC team.
All the others are a bunch of candy asses who get to play Wyoming every week.
5. Don't refer to Southerner's as a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are/have
been more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated,
and generally much nicer to boot. We've got plenty of business sense (e.g.Turner
Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, and Netscape). Naturally, we can have lapses of
judgment from time to time (e.g. Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We don't care if you
think we're dumb, we know better!
6. We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your bitching, spend your
money, and leave.
7. Don't order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel. If you do this, everyone will
know you're from Ohio. Eat the biscuits like God intended and for goodness sake,
don't put sugar in your grits.
8. Don't attempt to fake a Southern accent. Nothing will incite a riot faster.
9. Don't go around talking about how much better it is back home. If you don't
like it here, take your Yankee ass back home.
10. We don't play lacrosse, hockey or any of those other sissy ass Northern
games, so don't ask about the scores. We...simply...don't...care.
11. We know how to speak proper English, we talk this way because we want to and
we can. It's like playing jazz, you have to know how to do it right first.
12. Last, but by no means least...DO NOT try to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This
could lead to permanent expulsion and revocation of your work visa. Consider
yourself just damn lucky that we let you come down here in the first place.
Don't push your luck!
Boseefus
Dear Bo,
Thanks for the lesson. I’ll be sure to pass it along.
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